


a quiet place

by crumpled_up



Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Little bit of Fluff, Phil Coulson & Melinda May Friendship, apologies need to start from somewhere, coulson needs to talk about everything, post ep 7x09, season 7 spoilers beware
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25564927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumpled_up/pseuds/crumpled_up
Summary: The one in which Coulson apologizes and needs to get a lot of things off his chest, and May listens. Post 7x09. Spoilers abound.
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812664
Comments: 18
Kudos: 64





	a quiet place

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of feelings after 7x09. I needed to get some of them out. Enjoy!

May let out a deep breath as she sat at the desk in the LMD Lab. It was the only empty spot on the Zephyr, and far enough away from the rest of the team where she could get away from the maelstrom of emotions constantly surrounding her. After the nightmare of the time storm, the panic, the fear, the pain of losing Enoch, she needed a break. She needed to decompress and empty the tank, so to speak. She needed a quiet place to feel nothing.

It was strange how feeling nothing was a blessing and a curse. There were times where she wished beyond anything she could feel _something_. Then times like this, she was glad that she could literally get rid of her emotions.

She had become more adept at controlling the emotions entering her now. Even if she could feel and sense emotions without physical touch, which meant more emotions swirling around her, it wasn't as overwhelming as direct touch. She was at a spot now where it could all become an emotional haze she could push aside if she needed to focus on a subject or the latest dire situation. 

It was also becoming easier to pick apart each and every flicker of emotion running through a person. It was absolutely invasive, as Yo-yo commented, slightly annoying and overwhelming at times, but now May treated it as a game. How many could she identify before she needed to respond? For some people, like Mack, there weren't many to sift through. Daisy, on the other hand, was an entire rainbow of emotions. Same with Deke.

She still felt nothing around Coulson.

It was still odd to feel his presence, but nothing emanating from him. She could be in the middle of the Command Center with the entire team and his lack of emotion stuck out to her. It was very disconcerting considering she thought herself nearly an expert at reading him when he was technically alive. Now the same cues she used to to read him felt muddied and disconnected. His actions held no meaning without the emotion behind it.

Yet, there was something almost soothing about being in his emotionless presence. She was able to calm the storm raging within, let it settle and disappear as if it never happened. It was those moments where she felt closer to normal.

May closed her eyes and regulated her breathing. While she would love to do a session of Tai Chi, there wasn't enough room in this tiny lab. Not to mention, she was too drained to bother getting out of this chair. The distance helped the waves of emotions subside into nothing. The irony of literally feeling nothing during these meditation sessions didn't escape her. Too bad it didn't help fight her fatigue.

"Oh! Sorry."

May kept her eyes closed for a moment longer, trying to enjoy the last of the emotions slipping away. When she opened them, she found Coulson standing in the doorway looking sheepish.

"I, uh, need to charge for a bit. I didn't know anyone would be here."

She moved to stand up. "No, I'm in your way. Go ahead. I just needed a moment."

He waved her to sit back down. "It's okay. You're not in the way. You should rest."

May didn't bother arguing and sat back down. Honestly, she wasn't sure she could make it out of the lab without some assistance.

"Are you okay?" Coulson asked as he approached her instead of heading toward his charging station.

She nodded. "I needed a quiet spot to take a quick break. I should head back to the cockpit soon."

"The Zephyr is fine on autopilot for a little longer. Why don't you rest? You look exhausted."

That was an understatement. "I'm fine."

"May." He sighed and leaned against the LMD Rebuilding Machine, arms folded over his chest. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm _fine_."

"Okay, fine." Coulson scooted to sit on the table of the machine. "Then let's talk. I've wanted to talk to you since we got out of the time storm and Enoch..."

"Don't you need to charge?"

He dismissed that with a wave. "I've got enough juice to last a conversation. It's more to top off than anything, just in case more surprises await us."

Between being too tired to move, and Coulson blocking her way, guess she didn't have a choice. Damn him for always picking these moments to want to talk. "Okay, fine, talk."

He looked down at his toes for a moment, then took a deep breath and looked up at her. "I wanted to apologize for earlier in the Lighthouse in the 70s. I didn't take your feelings seriously when you went off on me about never dying. I... I understand now." He swallowed. "It's the worst kind of feeling having to watch everyone you love die over and over again and being absolutely helpless to stop it."

May studied him. He seemed genuinely apologetic and broken over what he and Daisy experienced during the time storm.

"Daisy told me off too," he continued as he swung his feet back and forth. "Basically said the same thing you did. I... I don't know how you did it after I died. Multiple times. Every time felt like someone clawed out my heart, crushed it, and left my chest open to bleed to death. And each time, it was worse and worse."

He wasn't completely wrong. Except for the part where it would partially heal only to get ripped open again and again. That was worse. "Sounds about right."

He looked at her, jaw slack. Then he composed himself and swallowed again. "I'm sorry I put you through that again and again. It really is easier to go first..." He shook his head. "Sorry. I've just had a lot of time to think lately. A year and a half without a body and only my thoughts swirling around can really mess with you, you know?"

May nodded along. When he wanted to talk, he could keep going and going. Usually, she would stop him or cut to the chase, but she didn't have the strength and he looked like he really needed to get this off his chest.

"I kept thinking about what the Chronicoms kept telling me when they were trying to strike a deal to conquer the Earth and let humanity survive. He told me that I would watch every single person I cared about die, and asked if I would be okay with that. I didn't pay much attention at the time, but when you've got nothing else to do, it makes you wonder. I really would watch each one of you die because I can't die. Whether that's on a mission, or old age, or what -- you would all die simply because you're human."

"Wait," May finally said. "You're not actually siding with them, are you?"

"No! God, no! Of course not. Humanity is always worth saving. But I've already watched all of you die so many times... and then to actually see you die permanently? I'm not sure I could handle it."

"Death is always around the corner for us, Coulson. Comes with the job. We're no strangers to it."

"I know. I just... I don't know how Enoch did it for thousands of years, observing humans, watching them die and die and die."

"It's part of the cycle of life."

"I know that!" He pounded a fist on the table. "It's just--"

"Why not just shut down permanently when this is all over then?"

Coulson looked over at her in alarm. If she had her emotions, she was fairly certain she would be amused at his reaction. "I... Why did I never think of that?"

"You said it would be easier to be the first to go." She shrugged. "It's true. Except I always thought I'd go first, and you would be fine after I was gone."

He shook his head. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is." As much as it pained her to admit, he would be absolutely fine. She was the wreck when he first died. When Fury and Hill broke the news to her, she went numb. Only when he came to her cubicle to recruit her to the team did she start to thaw.

"No." His voice sounded suspiciously rough. "No, I wouldn't."

"How would you know?"

"Because I did lose you once." His eyes were shining like he was holding back tears, but it could've been a trick of the light. "After Bahrain, when you retreated into yourself, and I couldn't reach you... I didn't know what to do. I took on every crazy assignment possible, trying to distract myself. Nothing felt right without you there next to me. And then when Radcliffe and Aida kidnapped you, I went crazy again, looking for you. Ask Mack. I was willing to cross the line if it meant getting you back."

May had no idea. Bahrain was one emotional storm she didn't want to visit again. As for Radcliffe and Aida, she only heard bits and pieces from the team. She remembered feeling relief when she came back to the real world and he was there to catch her.

"If I have to watch you die one more time..." he trailed off and stared down at his shoes again. "Maybe I really would shut down permanently."

May didn't know what possessed her to get up, but she did have the sudden urge to wrap her arms around him. He sank into her embrace, holding her tightly. "I'm not dead yet," she whispered.

"I know." He looked up at her like a lifeline. "Can we stay here a little longer?"

She nodded and let him pull her closer. "Only for a little bit. I might pass out soon."

He muffled his chuckle into her chest. "I told you, you were exhausted."

"And you still have to charge."

"Too bad I can't charge like this."

She held him a little longer, letting the weight and warmth of him sink into her tired body. It was surprising how real this robot body felt. She let her hands wander across his shoulders and down his back, marveling at how real and solid he was. Fitz, Simmons and Enoch truly outdid themselves with him.

When she felt it taking longer between each blink, Coulson shifted and carried her back to the chair. "Okay, you need to rest now. Do you want me to take you back to your bunk?"

May blinked a few times and squinted up at him. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm just going to charge."

"How is that?"

He gave her a wry grin. "Not as exciting as you think. It's just darkness with more wandering thoughts."

"I can stay here."

"May, it's not comfortable to sleep in that chair. Come on, I can take you back."

She shook her head. "I've slept in far worse conditions. We both have. It'll be fine. I'm about to pass out right now. Do you need me to push the button?"

He grabbed the button and sighed, before handing it over. May reached out to trace his jawline, watching the surprise and warmth flicker across his face. "It'll only be for a little while," she said softly. "I'll be here when you wake up."

He squeezed her hand and nodded, then walked over to his station. She gave him one last small smile before hitting the button. It was strange that there was a button at all. She fiddled with the device in her hands for a moment before placing it back on the desk. Part of her wished there was a way he could charge while he held her. It felt so good to be back in his arms. But sleep called to her. She folded her arms over the desk and rested her head on them, knocking out instantly.

When she woke up, she found Coulson sitting next to her with a steaming plate of eggs, bacon and pancakes between them and a couple glasses of water. "How did you wake up?" She asked as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "I didn't hit the button."

"I have an auto wake function when I finish charging." He grinned. "I made you breakfast."

Her stomach growled. "Thank you."

"Figured the smell of food would wake you up and I wouldn't lose a limb in the process."

"Do you want some?" He shook his head and held up his glass of water. "How long was I out?"

"Couple hours at least. After you eat, you'll probably need to head back to the cockpit. I think we're getting close to the Lighthouse."

She nodded as she devoured the food. Who knew having these empathic powers would make her feel like she hadn't eaten in a month?

"Slow down," he said, chuckling. "You'll either choke or get sick. I don't want to have to explain that one to Simmons." She paused to take a drink of water, then continued on eating. "Hey, um, is it me or is there something happening between Daisy and Sousa?"

May nearly choked on her food, and Coulson thumped her back. "So, I take that as a yes?" he asked with a grin.

She cleared her throat and downed more water. "What gives you that idea?"

"Oh, come on, May. I know you'd feel something."

"It's not my place to say anything. Whatever may or may not going on between them is _between them_ , Phil. Why don't you ask Daisy?"

"Because I don't want to be that guy. You know, like the overbearing father figure guy."

May raised an eyebrow and continued eating.

"I don't want to make it bigger than what it might be," Coulson said with a sigh. "Sousa is a really good guy, obviously. Huge fan. And she seems comfortable around him. I haven't seen her like that since--"

"Lincoln," May said as she finished off her food. "I know. Thank you, it was delicious by the way."

He smiled. "You're welcome." Then he looked back at his nearly empty water glass. "I want her to be happy. If she's happy with Sousa..."

"Why don't we let them figure it out? Daisy will come to us when she's ready. Or Sousa will go to you. He's pretty traditional like that."

"Product of his era, I guess."

"Considering everything that's happened so far, I'm glad Daisy has someone else she can rely on. Who knows how much longer we'll be around."

He shot her a sharp look. "Don't talk like that."

"Well, you never die."

"And I'll make sure you don't either." He finished the rest of his water. "Assuming we all survive this, do you think Sousa would want to stay? I mean we pulled him out of his era."

May shrugged. "If we could even go back in time to drop him off, I don't know. If he's attached to Daisy, I don't see why he would want to go back. If I were in his situation, I wouldn't want to go back if it meant you were to stay here. Besides, he died in the 50s. He'd be a ghost. Here, he could be whatever he wants. Look at Deke."

"True. I've just been thinking is all."

"About what?" May asked as she finished off her water. "While you were charging?"

"It's been going around in my head since Enoch sacrificed himself. He said some pretty profound things before he died. Something about seeing the future, how this would be our last mission as a team. How the team wouldn't survive."

"This isn't the first time we faced a future where most of us didn't make it." She thought back to those tense moments in the Lighthouse in the future that never happened thanks to Daisy. Of Robin. Of Yo-yo. Of Fitz. "We were able to change it then."

"I know. I don't want to see anyone else die again."

"So then we don't. We make sure that future doesn't happen."

Coulson looked over at her with the small flicker of hope in his eyes, slowly turning into a fiery conviction. "You're right. I never die, you still kick ass. We can change the future into one where we all live."

"Damn right." As much as she enjoyed this quiet moment with him, duty called. With a sigh, she gathered up her dishes and stood up, only for him to block the way. "Coulson?"

He didn't say anything as he took her dishes, put them back on the table, and then pulled her into his arms. "Thank you for staying."

May relaxed against him and wrapped her arms around him. "You're welcome." Guess she wasn't the only one who missed being held. "But I need to get back."

"Just a few more minutes," he whispered as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Please."

She merely nodded, and closed her eyes. Everything else could wait.


End file.
